Posting this makes me nervous. Oh. So. Nervous. A part of me is screaming, "NOOOO! Don't do it! They will see you. The real you. You do NOT want that! Just go ahead and delete it and never think about it again. Trust me." But the other part of me knows what it's like to be confused, heart-broken, and even desperate. So, for that reason I have to share it. (Deep breathes) Here goes...
On October 6th, while praying, God spoke to my husband and I and told us to begin packing because we would be moving in 3 months. This excited us, because, like any married couple we were thinking about the future and growing our family in a 600-square foot apartment didn't fit that vision. (No pun intend) So - having no idea where we were going, we trusted, and we began to pack. Little did we know; this decision would shake our world.
It felt like everything had begun to unravel.
It felt like everything had begun to unravel.
It was two 2 days before Christmas when I received the call that my grandmother had passed due to a drug overdose. This news stopped me in my tracks. I could not comprehend this death or the demon that stood in secret behind it. If you have a family member or friend who has lost the battle with addiction then you understand the confusion I'm talking about.
But I could handle it, I could overcome this. Because I knew He gives and takes away, right? So, there was something to be gained. There had to be. Only... a week later I still couldn't see what there was to gain when I received the text that I was no longer needed at my job. It was during that same time I was working through the shock of finding out that I had a condition that turned every hormone in my body upside down, giving me a 25% chance of adding children to that vision we had for our family.
I felt like I was swimming in muddy water. Three hits in three months. I didn't feel like I had much else to lose. Oh, how little I really know... One morning, while running late to what was my very last day of work, I threw on a sweatshirt and a pair of slippers and jumped in the car in hopes of making it on time. I turned the corner, only a mile from work when blue and red lights flashed in my rearview mirror. I rolled the window down as the officer approached my car. He was kind and he judging by his behavior, I could tell he was new. He took my license and walked away.
He was gone for what felt like forever. When he finally returned, he handed me my license and with a change in his demeanor said, "Ma'am, can you please step out of the car." Naively, I swung the door open and stepped out. I had no idea that 15 mins on side of the road would turn into a traumatizing 28 hours in jail.
It was 4 am the next morning and still, I sat on the floor of that cold, dirty holding cell. "Why I am here Lord?" I cried silently. I remembered Paul and Silas and I asked, "Is that what you want? I'll do it. I will sing out loud!" At this point, I didn't care about the 20+ other girls in that same cell who would hear my tone-deaf praises as long as it would shake this cold, dirty foundation. "Or maybe you sent me here to minister to someone. Who is it, God? Just show me and give me the words to speak."
Then, He spoke into my spirit, "No, I don't want you to speak to anyone. I just wanted to show where you would be if it weren't for me."
Hearing this, I covered my face and cried myself to sleep on that cold, hard floor. I knew I could never repay Him for my salvation. But the beautiful thing is that He also knew I could never repay Him long before I did.
I was heartbroken, with no home, and no reward to show for the pain I had just endured the last 3 months. In my flesh, I felt so silly for boasting about what God had promised before I received it. But still, I knew without a shadow of a doubt what He told me October 6th and I knew He was only preparing me to receive my promise.
Today is March 7th. 5 months later and I have still not received my promise. But one thing I have learned is how to endure. I could live my entire life and never receive what God promised me 5 months ago and I would still be content because now, I understand; I truly understand, that every trial and every wilderness experience is not merely meant so that I may gain the promised land, but rather to learn to hold tighter to one who made the promise.
To talk about pain takes courage. I don't tell you this story to provoke sympathy for my pain. I would much rather you not know anything about me and consider me a fool than to see every scare and consider me a hero. But I have to tell you this so that maybe you can understand that God isn't trying to hurt you. You haven't sinned and you’re not experiencing this pain as punishment. He just wants you to know Him.
But we can't really know him unless we endure through our suffering just as He did for us.
The definition of enduring is to suffer (something painful or difficult) patiently. Did you catch that? Patiently.
Think about Paul for a second. He would have never known that "to live (and suffer) is as Christ and to die is gain..." if he remained comfortable in a cute house, with a beautiful wife and a few cute kids. But Paul came to really know God through the ugly, painful, uncomfortable sufferings that he patiently endured.
John, Job, Esther, Jonah, Elijah...Shall I continue? They all experienced incomprehensible pain. But because they endured, they all gained through their pain.
John was called up to be with the Lord.
Job came to really know the God of the universe when He spoke to him through his pain. Esther endured, though she may have felt fearful and insecure, patiently she waited for her timing.
I could go on, but I think you get it. There is something to gain through your pain… if you just endure.
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